You just had to say it didn’t you?
Yes, you all know what I’m talking about. Of course you do, you’re a parent too. Those things you say or do that ultimately come back slapping you right across the face.
“I’ve got a feeling she will sleep well tonight”
What follows is a two, three and four am screaming session, that would make even a pack of howling monkeys run for the hills. With a day of piercing looks between you and your partner through the dark circles around your eyes.
“Go on hun, he can sleep in our bed just this once.”
Two months on and you are maxing out your credit card on a queen size bed just to accommodate a little more arm space. That and the chiropractor bill for all those knees in the back you receive in your sweet slumber.
“No need to stop off yet, the kids always fall asleep in the car.”
When you’re looking for a good night sleep and the kids have run themselves ragged all day, you know how important that half hour drive back home is. Keep them awake at all costs, get the juices out, something to snack on and a rock album turned up just enough to get their little heads bopping along. Simple, no it never is, before too long you and your wife will be deep in conversation about bills, a funny thing Matt said at work or what to have for tea, then before your tyres have even warmed up there are a couple of snoring, dribbling children flopped in their chairs. After that, there is no manner of keeping those sleepy eyes open. So, why is it when you’re stuck in an hour long traffic jam, the rock music is making you want switch to classical, you and your wife have run out of topics to discuss and you are craving a coffee, do your children just not sleep like they’re supposed to do in a car journey. Instead opting for the screaming, the fidgeting, the back arching and the seat kicking. Who ever said parenting was fun?
“I’m taking him for a walk into town, it’s ten minutes away. I won’t take the pram it will do him some good.”
Is something I will never say again, along with explaining to my wife that the need to carry with me, the ‘in case of national disaster bag‘. I will hold my hands up and surrender to the shame, I’m one of those dad’s, the ones who will go through a child’s changing bag and question why we need everything in it. I mean do we really need over ten nappies just for a trip to Ikea? But to not bring a changing bag for even a twenty minute outing… big mistake. On this occasion my toddler soiled himself, but so much so it leaked through his nappy and began to appear on his trousers. With no nappies, no wipes, no change of trousers (to think I could have had a choice in colour scheme, had I taken the bag) and no bank card on me, it was home or bust. What should have been a ten minute walk back home turned into one of the most emotionally painful, excruciatingly embarrassing hours of my life. Nobody would want to walk anywhere with their excrement running down their legs, so why would a two year old? But he didn’t want carrying either, just a nappy and a clean pair of light tan cords that were sitting at the front door step. Guys, I don’t care how much you can lift at your local gym, one hundred press ups you say? Yeah, well try carrying a kicking and screaming child a couple of miles on a fairly warm day. All while keeping up the energy to show the public your smile, letting them know that you are not in-fact stealing this young boy, just one of those terrible fathers.
– If you can’t laugh about parenting, we will all be crying. With that in mind, do you have any ‘famous last words’ stories?
Written by MojoDad Jim, author, husband and father of two
– Aspiring to Inspire
Follow Jim on Twitter @lstoftheauthors