LastOfTheAuthors 10 Reasons To Beard
Reason 1: Creation
It’s not hard to find images of God himself wearing the mightiest of beards; Even Michael Angelo’s Sistine chapel depicts a painting of god with a beard
“This, then, is the mark of the man, the beard. By this he is seen to be a man. It is older than Eve. It is the token of the superior nature.” St. Clement of Alexandria, 2-276
Make of this what you will, there is no doubting the greatest, perhaps God-le y-ness of beards holds a certain power.
Reason 2: Superstition
When things just seem to be going your way and you have no explanation why except that you have yet to shave. Yes that’s right all beards are lucky, you will also find as your beard grows there is a sudden amount of attention off the opposite sex. A lot of women and even some men will want to fondle your beard, do not panic, they are just after a sprinkle of luck that your beard beholds.
If this all feels a little made up, look no further than the American’s National Hockey League. There is such thing as ‘The Play-off Beard’, it’s the superstitious practice of a player not shaving his beard during the Stanley Cup playoffs. The player will stop shaving when his team enters the playoffs and will not shave until his team are either eliminated or win the Cup. This tradition was started in 1980s by the New York Islanders.
Reason 3: Bullying
When growing a beard you may find you come across a fair bit of criticism, name calling and just plain laughter. Believe me I’ve heard them all, and I’m only just coming to 6 months. Oddly because of having a beard I come into stereotypes such as fisherman, lumberjack oh and homeless man. Thankfully the beard has no feelings, the beard will never be offended and if anything name calling is scientifically (probably not but who cares) proven to quicken growth and volume.
Reason 4: It’s Fashion Baby!
Are beards fashionable? Too bloody right they are.
Right now nobody can deny that beards are all the rage, you only have to look as far as George Clooney on a red carpet to see that. Beards have always been known to swing in and out of trend, myself I’ve always been known to wear at the very least a five o clock shadow, then not trim for a couple of months. So yes, it’s about time people looked at me with jealous eyes because ‘i’m so in right now’. Even the opposite sex are turning their glances towards us bearded folks (it took a while for my wife to come round mind). Since pushing past the two month wall that would usually entail a tidy up trim, I very quickly realised that what-ever clothing I wore I looked good. If I went shopping for a new hat, well they all looked good. I even found that after years of complaining about having rugby player’s legs, I was (through the awesome power of beard) able to don a pair of skinny jeans.
But to all those will now look upon bearded men believing we are just wearing a fashion accessory, I say NO! Beards are no ‘accessory’, they are a god-given statement, not just any Tom, Dick or Harry can just pick one of these babies.
Reason 5: Change
That’s right things are going to change. Sure, doors may just open up for you and your glorious beard on the career ladder, hell you might even find people chucking money at you in awe of that majestic facial hair (or because you are sitting on a street having not showered for a few days). But I’m talking about a change to the way you think, the way you think as an owner of a beard. It came to me at about four and a half months of growth, but first understand that i’m a person who likes routine. Like a lot of us I enjoy my day-to-day comforts and I’m not a fan of being pulled away from my comfort zone. With that said what passed my thoughts as I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a car window, having just got off the ferry for work, came as quite the shock for me. I didn’t just see a bearded man staring back at me, I saw me but my beard was covered in snow and I was marching up a mountain top, all on my own. Now I own a beard, I want to go exploring.
Reason 6: Wisdom
There is no denying that a beard and wisdom go hand-in-hand, that when it comes to who you might trust for superior knowledge, one would usually choose the bearded guy. Over the entire human existence there have been bearded men guiding us the way, from God’s such as Zeus and Yahweh, to Wizards such as Merlin and Gandalf. Of course there are ‘real’ humans too, John Knox, Karl Marx, Peter Cooper, Che Guevara, Colonel Sanders even had a decent goatee and you can’t argue with KFC, and of course there is Charles Darwin. So when sporting luxuriant facial hair you may just find yourself giving out advice you didn’t even know you had.
Reason 7: The finer things
Now I’ve never been much of a drinker myself, usually feeling pretty proud that although my lungs may look like a pair of char-grilled chicken fillets, my liver however would stand the test of time. That’s not to say I don’t know how to have a good time, I just, even as I approach my thirties, never quite acquired a taste for the delights of alcohol. Now I have a beard, and as I’ve probably hinted at, the beard in its own right has certain tastes of its own. This beard seems to enjoy a taste for Gin, not the kind of Gin one might find tasting just as nasty as toilet water mind. This beard loves Hendricks Gin, it will settle for London or Bombay as I’ve discovered, but will give me better hair days after a night of Hendricks.
Reason 8: Respect
The beard wants respect, the beard earns respect, the beard demands respect. A beard says to others that you have stories to tell, stories they will want to hear. All of a sudden when your spouse asks about your day, and you and your delightful facial hair decide you will tell them, what may seem like the dullest day on earth to you, will come out as an amazing pirate story than involves dinosaurs and would win an OSCAR if put onto a screenplay.
Reason 9: Secret Society
Every man on earth would want to be part of one, if given the opportunity. When two bearded men pass in the street, no words are spoken, but there is usually a nod of appreciation. A look that doesn’t need words, an expression that simply says “Keep up the good work.” There is a mutual understanding between fellow beard growers, an understanding of what it means to behold one.
Reason 10: Fun
And finally… It’s fun to grow a beard. You learn so much about yourself, most of all you learn patience. There are a lot of walls to break through to get to the bearded state you desire, not least the itchy stage.
Happy bearding everyone.